Kay Beardsley’s monthly life blog – Cut Open – August 2020 2


My name is Kay and I’m an alcoholic.

Cut Open. August 2020.

Finding Therapy.

August 2020 Introduction (skip this bit if you read it last time!)

I began writing about my life when I was at senior school; I am now 54. Writing down my thoughts was easier than talking about them and helped me to express and make sense of my struggling self. Sadly, in my anger I decided to burn that ‘book’ – Massive regret! However, I haven’t stopped writing and now after many years of personal psychotherapy (yes talking does work with the right therapist!) and training and becoming an integrative psychotherapist myself I feel it’s time to start sharing.

I’ve decided to work backwards (at least for now) and begin with my sober self.

I am sober purely because of my own therapy.

I joined AA when I was 1 year sober and now enjoy the benefits of the 12 step program; a program, in my opinion that works hand in hand with therapy AND without God.

I realise by sharing my life I’m allowing myself to be cut open and I don’t want people to see inside me!! It’s not that I don’t want to give anything away, I’m fucking scared! Yet I’m honoured when clients allow me to see so much of their lives and I believe by sharing me I can become an even better therapist!

I also realise I won’t grow from a place of comfort and have learned that secrets keep people sick.

Therapy (my therapist) saved my life and I have changed so much, therapy is bloody hard work but so, so, so (I really mean this) rewarding.

I have experience of both sides; as the client and as a qualified therapist so I have a wealth of knowledge and I want to give some of that back.

I’m a better person now, I’m letting others into my heart and I love myself and that ripple is getting bigger.

I recently re read the first pages of my second ‘book’ (started writing this one in 1988) and I’m surprised at how much my language has changed and how I have grown.

I tend to own what I’m saying now by using the word ‘I’ rather than ‘you’. And I try not to objectify people by using the word ‘it’. The ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ went long ago! (Mmm! There’s possibly the odd ‘should’ still lurking about!)

I now realise I can’t make anyone do things; I can’t make someone laugh or swear or eat an apple, just like no one can make me cry. I can choose to cry if I feel upset.

I’ve also been shown how to hug and to know the difference between love and being in love.

So my intention is to share excerpts from my ‘book’ (that I hope to publish one day) as raw and naked as it was when I originally wrote it. I will then add any other stuff that’s going on for me along this journey.

***

Looking back now 10 days in a clinic was never going to be the solution!

ALCOHOL IS NOT THE PROBLEM I AM.

Quotes from Russel Brand, either from his book or online course.

Book: Russell Brand, Recovery, Freedom From Our Addictions.

Online course: The Recovery Course Community.

It’s about acknowledging my addiction, my issues are all of my own making; fundamentally I am the problem; my self centeredness, self obsession, my entrenched sense of self.

What is it that requires the addiction? What does the wanting want?

Addiction, however severe or mild, is a sincere attempt to address a real problem, the lack of fulfilment to which the material world cannot cater.

Trying to solve an inner problem by outer means inspite of negative consequenses.’

After my stay in the clinic I was seen by the substance missuse team a couple of times.

I then finally managed to get in for counselling at the Derby Women’s Centre.

Whilst I’d engaged with counselling there I received letters from another department of the substance missue team and NHS mental health services. I declined these services because I was now seeing a helpful counsellor at the Women’s Centre. Until…….I arrived for one session drunk!

I received a letter (on my actual birthday) to say I could no longer attend the Women’s Centre! Fuck! I cried for 5 months!

I then arranged to meet with a private counsellor who charged £75 for an assessment in 2006! for her to say; come back and see me when you’ve stopped drinking! I want to highlight I attended the assessment sober! In fact I attended my many sessions at the Women’s Centre sober except for one session! One session! One mistake!

I then went to see my GP and he prescribed Antabuse which is actually what George Best was given and Chlordiazepoxide tablets. However, like my GP said, it’s about looking at why you drink.

The Antabuse was a good threat for a while; it deterred me from drinking because I’d heard how ill it could make you feel if you drank whilst taking it. But of course I wanted to test this for myself!

To be fair some GP’s were helpful and concerned but I just couldn’t appreciate them in my desperation; I needed more than a 10 minute slot.

I then contacted another private therapist and finally got the help I needed! He took me on when very few people would. He recommended that I did not arrive drunk, he didn’t mind if I had a little drink (if I must) but if I was drunk he’d sit me down, give me plenty of black coffee and still charge his normal fee. Straight to the point! Just what I needed!

Is therapy the answer? Finding the right therapist is the answer! The right therapist for you. I eventually found the right therapist for me.

I struggled for around 25 years to get the help I needed but when I did wow! He has saved my life and changed my life. We connected; our relationship works.

He is the reason I am a therapist now.

And if you come to see me for counselling it’s now my turn to say; this will only work if we get along with each other.

I might not be the one for you and that’s okay it’s important to find someone that you truely connect with, someone you can be real, open and honest with.

You also have to want to commit to working bloody hard! Therapy is NOT easy and you WILL feel worse before you feel better.

Excerpt from my book referring to my therapy/therapist:

2/10/07 shit, fucking hell, bastard, bugger what the hell is happening to me? What the fuck have you done to me? I am in a world of my own and my mind is working over time. I hate how I feel. I feel constantly sick, upset and lost I don’t even know what I’m doing. I want you and I need you and I bet you’re fucking loving it you bastard! Come on tell me how fucking good you are, you just love it don’t you? So now you’re in control, tell me what I should do! You got me into this mess so bloody help me! Go on ask me if I hate you, ask me!

BASTARD!

(Excerpt from my book 2007) ‘But hey, after 50 minutes, ‘fuck you, life goes on’ maybe some other sad bastard will need you? I’m so confused it’s untrue and I hurt all over!

I was so annoyed when he had two weeks off!

I text him: (2007) ‘Maybe I need 2 c u longer on Thursday? Cus right now I fucking hate myself and I have got so much anger inside I want 2 burst. And u left me 4 (for) 2 fucking weeks.

I had to catch two buses and do a fair amount of walking in order to see my therapist.

My 50 minute therapy session took the best part of a day by the time I got home.

I was terrified he was going to leave me, wouldn’t be strong enough for me; would get fed up of me. I’ve pushed him away; well I tried to so many times and he’s always been there for me. I needed to test his commitment; he had to earn my trust. I had to learn to trust.

What the hell is trust?

At last I had found the right therapist and I was ready to start work.

I finally found someone who stuck by me, someone who could see I was worth it, someone with real balls.

Hey and now I’m a therapist with lady balls!

Now this is where my real journey begins!

See you in September 2020

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