Kay Beardsley’s monthly life blog – Cut Open – May 2020


My name is Kay and I’m an alcoholic.

Cut Open.

May 2020.

I began writing about my life when I was at senior school; I am now 53. Writing down my thoughts was easier than talking about them and helped me to express and make sense of my struggling self. Sadly, in my anger I decided to burn that ‘book’ – Massive regret! However, I haven’t stopped writing and now after many years of personal psychotherapy (yes talking does work with the right therapist!) and training and becoming an integrative psychotherapist myself I feel it’s time to start sharing.

Lucy’s blog; www.lucysback.com also prompted me to share my stuff.

I’ve decided to work backwards (at least for now) and begin with my sober self. I am sober purely because of my own therapy.

I joined AA when I was 1 year sober and now enjoy the benefits of the 12 step program; a program, in my opinion that works hand in hand with therapy AND without God.

Sharing stuff – it’s not that I don’t want to give anything away, I’m fucking scared! I realise by sharing my life I’m allowing myself to be cut open and I don’t want people to see inside me!! Yet I’m honoured when clients allow me to see so much of their lives. I believe by sharing me I can become an even better therapist! I also realise I won’t grow from a place of comfort and have learned that secrets keep people sick.

Therapy (my therapist) saved my life and I have changed so much, therapy is bloody hard work but so, so, so (I really mean this) rewarding. I have experience of both sides; as the client and as a qualified therapist so I have a wealth of knowledge and I want to give some of that back. I’m a better person now, I’m letting others into my heart and I love myself and that ripple is getting bigger.

As Winnicott said, ‘it’s a joy to be hidden and a disaster not to be found.’

Today’s Gift (Hazelden Betty Ford foundation) – February 23rd 2020 – Journal writing is a voyage to the interior. Christina Baldwin.

Many men use daily notes in a private journal as a method of meditation. It is a means to learn about themselves as they reflect with pen in hand and put uncensored thoughts down on paper. It can take many forms. Some days, a person might just make a list. It might be a prayer list: all the people he loves and all the people he is concerned about. It might be a list of tasks, with notations on the spirit with which to approach them. Some guys draw pictures in their journals and say it helps them to quiet their minds and deepen their understanding of a situation. Some simply record the events of the day and then reflect on how they feel about them and what they mean.

Every man in spiritual development needs a daily pattern of meditation and reflection. It should be a gentle means to respect himself, be honest with himself, and hold himself responsible for his life.’

The book – Beyond Belief; agnostic musings for 12 step life – February 23rd 2020

The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.’

Anais Nin (1903-1977)

Like a chemical reaction, words and witness (of others in AA) can sometimes change the teller and listener.’

We often say what we need to hear – we are the architects of our own recovery.’

If I listen instead, (to AA members) maybe someone else will say what I am unable to say but need to hear.’

The book – Daily Reflections – February 23rd 2020

When I face fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into new light; when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender I am graced with unforeseen strength.’

The book – Beyond Belief; agnostic musings for 12 step life – April 28th 2020

Journaling can become part of the meditation and reflection process, or it may simply be a way to filter the useless crap out of our heads. Ruminating and regretting can be purged onto paper or screen so we can get on with the day, less encumbered.

Even doodling can be like meditative breathing, scribbling as we negotiate through our mind-field.

Writing can be a way of discovering. It can also help defuse potentially explosive memories or feelings that we might disturb along the way.

Do I use my creative power to escape, create or discover?’

These quotes are so pertinent and helped give me the final push, so … my intention is to write a regular blog. Well, let’s see how I go.

I recently re read the first pages of my second ‘book’ (started writing this one in 1988) and I’m surprised at how much my language has changed and how I have grown.

I tend to own what I’m saying now by using the word ‘I’ rather than ‘you’. And I try not to objectify people by using the word ‘it’. The ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ went long ago! (Mmm! There’s possibly the odd ‘should’ still lurking about!)

I now realise I can’t make anyone do things; I can’t make someone laugh or swear or eat an apple, just like no one can make me cry. I can choose to cry if I feel upset.

I’ve also been shown how to hug and to know the difference between love and being in love.

So my intention is to share excerpts from my ‘book’ (that I hope to publish one day); my raw and naked self and I’ll add some extra bits along the way!

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Are you ready? See you next month; June 2020

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